


moment by moment

by jjhs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cliche, Fluff and Angst, Idk this is weird, Insecurity, M/M, Making Out, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, at the end haha, idk if you read like prepare for this random all rollercoaster, idk why it's so long, it was supposed to be <1k words and here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 02:11:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20574731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjhs/pseuds/jjhs
Summary: 1 year. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds. he would redo it all if it meant he got one more chance with him.or, jaemin recalls his relationship with jeno by the moments they shared until they didn't share another one...





	moment by moment

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what this is pls don't ask me like i literally have no idea like it's so long but why???? idk???? it was meant to be posted as a twitter one-shot but now its' here??? idk it just feels like it's bad, but maybe it's not? we'll see i guess slksdkfskdf
> 
> ALSO::::: my italics didn't work so when you see a ↓ that means it's the start of a flashback and the ↑ that's the end of it idk i hope it makes sense klfjalkdf

nobody expects a breakup. nobody expects to wake up one day and realize, it’s over. it’s just over. jaemin never thought he’d see a day like that. but, here he is.

it took four months to start a friendship with jeno. he wasn’t exactly cold, just shy. he didn’t open up to new people well. he liked his small group of friends. he was comfortable that way. na jaemin forced him out of his comfort zone.

mainly, jaemin couldn’t leave jeno alone. jeno was too cute, too fucking sweet and exciting and interesting to just let be around. the first time jeno came walking with mark towards jaemin and his dumbass friends (emphasis on dumbass), he was blushing and stumbling all over his words.

↓ 

“guys, this is jeno,” mark introduces, motioning to the boy beside him. “jeno, this is jaemin--no, i don’t know why he’s wearing all black when it’s 100 degrees out, then there’s renjun, and yukhei.”

“h-hi,” jeno murmurs. he can barely take his eyes off the ground, his shoes seeming to be very interesting.

jaemin takes a liking to jeno instantly, going as far as holding his hand out for the other to shake. “nice to meet you, jeno.” 

jeno hesitantly shakes jaemin’s hand, looking at mark first and asking for permission. mark nods his head and smiles. “hi, nice to meet you.”

renjun and yukhei watch the entire exchange with disgust. it’s so fucking stereotypical and grossly foreseeable. 

“now, jeno,” jaemin starts, ignoring the way renjun and yukhei stare at him, “do you like cheeseburgers?”

jeno furrows his eyebrows, clearly caught off gaurd by the question. “yes. cheeseburgers are good.”

“great,” jaemin grins, “let’s go get one.”

so, jaemin pushed and prodded and eventually, jeno opened up, eventually cracked a smile at jaemin’s jokes, and eventually made one 

↓ 

“jaemin, you’re being awfully annoying,” jeno mumbles, looking up from his computer screen and across the table at jaemin. he’s here by force, seeing that jaemin grabbed his arm and dragged him to the library with iced coffee as an incentive after class ended.

“and? you like when i’m annoying. it’s part of my charm.” jaemin grins and jeno’s cheeks turn pink. jaemin stops highlighting random passages in his book to stare at jeno for a few seconds, just to admire the way he looks in his natural habitat.

“you are unbelievable.”

jaemin doesn’t miss the way jeno smiles to himself when he thinks jaemin isn't looking.

< p> ↑

getting it through jeno’s head that jaemin wanted to date him took another five months. jeno is smart, one of the smartest boys on campus, but he is dense when it comes to people. jaemin had done just about everything to get jeno to understand but confess his love straight to his face. (he was tempted many times.)

“wait? are you flirting with me right now?”

jaemin has been flirting with him for three months at this point. jaemin is exasperated. really. exasperated.

“oh, god.” jaemin facepalms. “jeno, i’ve been flirting with you for the past three months.”

“oh.” jeno is bright red, cheeks always giving him away. “i thought you were just being friendly.”

“i tell my friends that they look beautiful every day?” 

“m-maybe?” jeno can only offer a meek smile, pushing his glasses higher up on his nose. 

jaemin sighs. “nope. you’re the only person, lee jeno. the only person,** always**.”

jeno nods his head slowly. “...you’re the only person, too, jaem. the only person i wanna be called beautiful by.”

↑ 

the next two months, jeno acknowledged jaemin’s efforts, more often than not reciprocated them. but, for some reason, whatever reason (probably him being as bright as a doorknob when it came to socializing), he couldn’t seem to understand that jaemin didn’t just want to flirt, he wanted to date too.

clearly, jaemin was doing a poor job at saying that in layman's terms or something, because no matter how much hugging, cuddling, or almost kissing happened, jeno just didn’t get it.

↓ 

“jaemin,” jeno whines, face cuddled into the younger’s chest while they lay on his shitty dorm room bed. “you’re squishing me.”

“shhh, i’m sleeping.” jaemin doesn’t open his eyes until he feels jeno moving around. “you’re not very good at being quiet.”

“i’m hot,” jeno sighs, settling in jaemin’s hold when he realizes the other really isn’t going to budge.

“yes, you are,” jaemin laughs when jeno punches him in the stomach softly.

“only you would make cuddling unbearable.”

“you weren’t saying that last night when you fell asleep in my arms like a baby.”

jaemin has a good point, one so good that jeno just lets out a noise of defeat. “fine. you’re good at cuddling. you win.”

“good, now go to sleep, i’m trying to avoid my homework for as long as possible.”

↑ 

and, it took three more months for jaemin to convince jeno to say yes to dating him. jeno confessed that he had never dated anyone, let alone someone like jaemin, and he was unsure about the entire thing. dating, kissing, all of that. it was all horribly scary.

↓ 

“b-but what if you get bored of me? i’m not very fun,” jeno motions to the books in front of him on his desk.

“i’ll never get bored of you,” jaemin scoffs, feeling offended jeno would even suggest it. “jeno, i wanna be your boyfriend. i wanna date you.”

jeno looks...confused. he purses his lips, opens his mouth, shuts it, and repeats. he feels like he’s always at a loss for words when he’s with jaemin.

jaemin spins jeno’s chair around and squats down in between the older’s legs, hands cupping jeno’s rosy cheeks. “don’t you get it, jen? i like you. a lot. i like you so much, i’m not sure what to do with myself.”

“you’re going to get tired of me,” jeno says, exasperated with tears in his eyes. “i’m not like your friends, jaemin. i’m not fun like yukhei and renjun and mark and chenle. i don’t like partying and i don’t like getting drunk and i-”

“and i don’t care, jeno. i don’t give a flying fuck if you don’t wanna do those things. i like you because you’re different. i like you because you’re not afraid to be you.”

jeno pulls away from jaemin’s grasp. “i-i just don’t want you to decide one day, you’ve grown tired of me and leave me. that is what happens to people like me.”

jaemin frowns. “i won’t do that, jeno. i’m here, forever.”

jeno wishes he could believe him.

↑ 

their first date was exactly one year from the day jaemin had met jeno, the same day they became boyfriends. he thought that it was rather romantic and definitely the universe telling them they’re meant to be. even if it was a fight from the start and an even bigger fight to have gotten jeno to say yes. it makes it all worthwhile.

↓ 

“i don’t think riding this one is smart. we just ate tacos,” jeno murmurs, calculating the ride in the little county fair they’re at.

“it can’t be that bad,” jaemin shrugs his shoulders, wrapping an arm around jeno’s waist and holding his hip. 

“i don’t wanna throw up.” jeno is frowning and jaemin immediately walks them away from the ride. the whole point of the date was to get jeno to stop worrying, not make him worry more.

jeno was an adrenaline junkie, jaemin realized early on. he liked the rides that spun you every which way and made your heart jump out of your chest. jaemin isn’t exactly a boy meant for that, but he couldn’t refuse jeno. this was their first date after all.

“do you wanna make out?” jeno asks suddenly, stopped in front of the ferris wheel. it’s the only ride that they haven’t gone on, saving the best for last. 

jaemin double-takes, not sure he heard jeno right. “what?”

“make out? with me?” jeno is blushing red, his nerve gone and his fingers playing with each other.

“yeah,” jaemin laughs. “i’d love to make out with you.”

↑ 

they did in fact make out, despite jeno’s inexperience.

↓ 

“i’m going to kiss you now,” jaemin says, almost like it’s a warning. it’s really just him telling jeno exactly what he’s going to do to keep the latter from freaking out.

they’re on the same side of the ferris wheel cart, probably not the safest option, and jaemin is facing jeno.

“okay,” jeno nods his head. he turns to face jaemin and the younger takes a moment to admire the way jeno looks with the sun setting behind him. good, is the answer. he looks fucking amazing. jaemin thinks jeno will always look amazing, whether that be in a suit or sweatpants. 

jaemin leans in and kisses jeno softly, his lips barely grazing the others. it’s a short peck and jeno pulls away, fingers touching his lips like they’re tingling.

“what?” jaemin asks, afraid that jeno didn’t like it.

“that was my first kiss,” jeno bites his lip, looking at jaemin with big doey eyes, making the younger’s heart fucking dive face first out of his chest. 

jaemin smiles. “great. now let’s get to the part with the tongue.”

“that sounds horrible,” jeno says, eyebrows furrowed, nose scrunched up.

jaemin rolls his eyes playfully. “don’t knock it until you try it.”

“okay, fucking harry styles reference.”

jeno meets jaemin half-way, heart thudding against his ribcage about a thousand miles a minute.

↑ 

it probably takes significantly less time for the first exchanges of those three words. not that it surprised anyone by a long shot. it didn’t take a rocket scientist to see the way jaemin looked at jeno and the way jeno looked at jaemin. the way their smiles lit up and their eyes sparkled and their skin glowed when they were around one another. everything about them screamed “i love you,” except their voices, who stayed silent.

↓ 

jaemin wants to say it. but, it seems early. too early. they’ve only been dating for three months. that’s not enough time for jaemin to be in love and certainly not for jeno who didn’t want a relationship at all.

jeno is making something on the stove, looking fucking adorable, and jaemin just wants to blurt it out so bad. he just wants to tell jeno, let him know that he’s loved him way before they started dating. his body aches for him to say it.

but, it could hurt jeno. so, he lets it hurt himself instead.

six months. it took six months for jaemin to work up the courage to say the three words. but, he didn’t say them first after all.

“can i tell you something?” jeno asks as they’re sitting on his bed with his laptop on each of their thighs.

jaemin pauses the drama and nods, eyes looking at jeno with curiosity. when someone starts with can i tell you something, it never feels like it’s going to lead anywhere good.

“iloveyou,” jeno says quickly, eyes darting from jaemin’s to the screen. he hits play and ignores jaemin’s stare.

jaemin hits the pause button again, feeling overwhelmed by the situation. “what?”

jeno takes a long, deep breath. one that makes jaemin feel like he’s watching jeno meditate or something of the sorts. “i. love. you,” jeno punctuates every word, voice crystal clear, words solidifying between them.

jaemin is fucking shocked, to say the least, mouth opening and closing at least twice as his brain tries to comprehend that lee jeno fucking said i fucking love you.

jeno waves his hand in front of jaemin’s face, concerned that jaemin seems frozen in place. “jaemin? are you okay?”

his brain defaults to what he knows best, and he’s pressing his lips against jeno’s, taking the latter by surprise and he kisses him like there’s no tomorrow. he kisses jeno’s lips and his cheeks and his forehead and his eyelids and his nose. 

“i love you, jeno,” jaemin says with a big stupid grin on his face. “i love you more than you’ll ever know.”

jeno knows.

↑ 

five months have passed since their first exchange i love you, and with every passing second, jaemin fell deeper. everything about jeno made jaemin fall. it only took five months before jaemin knew exactly what he wanted.

↓ 

“forever,” jaemin murmurs into jeno’s hair as they are cuddled up under the stars. “that’s what i want with you, lee jeno.”

jeno turns his head to look at jaemin. they’re chest to chest, blanket over them to keep them from freezing to death. jeno dragged the two of them out here after his test, picnic basket full of food he managed to cook himself and car loaded with blankets and pillows as a surprise to jaemin for their almost one year anniversary.

“huh?” jeno raises his eyebrows.

jaemin suddenly has tears in his eyes from feeling so much. from feeling so in love and happy and grateful and like he could spend the rest of his life with lee jeno in his arms.

“nana,” jeno whispers, thumb reaching out and wiping the tear as it slides down jaemin’s cold cheek. “what’s wrong? did something happen?”

jaemin shakes his head. “i wanna spend forever with you, jeno. i don’t think you understand that when i say i love you, i mean it. i mean i’m i love with you.”

jeno grins, pecking jaemin’s chapped lips and pulling away. “i’m in love with you, jaemin. i’m in love with everything about you. the way you do your homework at 3 am, drink on fridays, and how you love your friends and my cats and all my flaws. i love you, na jaemin. forever.”

the words make jaemin’s heart beat so hard it feels like it’s going to burst. this time he feels his cheeks heat up. he knows. his heart and mind have finally settled and he knows that this is who he wants to wake up every morning with, grow old with, have a family with. he can’t see himself with anyone else.

he’s shivering and jeno notices. “do you want to go home? you’re freezing.”

“no, no,” jaemin shakes his head. “no. i wanna stay right here forever and ever.”

“we might get hypothermia and die,” jeno points but recants when he sees the way jaemin glares at him. “fine, we’ll get hypothermia and stay here until people find us and save us.”

“then let’s stay here until i can’t feel my fingers,” jaemin suggests with a grin. 

“i already can’t feel mine,” jeno says.

“can you please let me enjoy myself?” jaemin whines. “i’m trying to be romantic.”

jeno grins. “fine. ten more minutes. then we can make out in my dorm room.”

“deal.” jaemin smiles softly before pressing a kiss to jeno’s forehead.

↑ 

one year and eleven months. that’s how long it took jaemin to do whatever he did to be with jeno. all the flirting and dates and handholding and all of that. all the moments of falling and loving and hanging on to hope that if he loved jeno enough, jeno would love him back. it worked until it didn’t.

it took one year and eleven months for them to get to the point where jaemin was convinced that they would spend the rest of their lives together. it took two weeks for it all to fall apart.

↓ 

“do you even hear yourself?” jeno asks, suddenly angry for a reason jaemin doesn’t understand.

“why are you picking a fight with me again, jeno? isn’t once enough?” jaemin isn’t screaming but he’s so close to doing so. “can we just fucking get dressed so we can go to dinner?”

“i don’t want to go to dinner, jaemin!” jeno throws his comb across jaemin’s dorm room. 

jaemin hates when they fight, which they seem to be doing more and more of. “then don’t fucking go! why are we even fighting about this? you don’t want to come, then stay here. god, it’s not that fucking difficult.”

jeno screams in frustration and jaemin rolls his eyes. “why the fuck are you acting like such a brat? why are we doing this, jeno? why are we fighting?”

“i don’t know, jaemin! i don’t know why we’re still doing this.”

“i’m going to go to dinner. you can sit here and wallow or whatever you're going to do. when you have your shit together, maybe we can talk about this like civilized humans. i don’t know what crawled up your ass and died, but it fucking sucks.”

jeno scoffs. “i can’t believe you’re really going to leave when we’re in the middle of a fucking fight.”

“what do you want me to do?” jaemin screams, not giving one fuck about the noise complaints he’s going to receive. “seriously, jeno! what do you want me to do? force you to come with me? stay here and fight with you?”

“i want you to take me seriously! i want you to take us seriously.”

jaemin rubs his temples. “jeno, all i’ve been doing is trying to take this seriously. but, we’ve been fighting every day for two weeks. what do you want me to do? i don’t even know why this is happening!”

jeno just blinks, face blank. “i don’t know either. i don’t want to do this anymore.”

jaemin is so fucking mad, that he just lets his mouth do all the talk. “then let’s not.”

↑ 

when he came back to his dorm that night, his stomach was in knots and head was spinning from regret. he didn’t mean it. he didn’t mean it at all and he doesn’t know why the fuck he said it at all. he doesn’t know why he left jeno alone in that room.

he doesn’t know. he doesn’t know why he did that. but, all he knows is that when he came back, jeno was gone. most of his things were gone. and, all he could do was lay there and try and figure out why in the fuck he said anything at all.

four days. that’s how long jaemin went without saying a word to jeno. four days. 100 hours. 600 minutes. 36,000 seconds. too long. far too long for jaemin. the silence ended the fifth day when knocked on his door at 11 pm.

↓ 

“jeno?” jaemin tilts his head to the side. “you’re here.”

_they both look like shit, like they haven’t slept in days and have been crying for what seems like years. _

__

__

“yeah. i forgot something my textbook here.” jeno bites his bottom lip. “i need it for tomorrow.” 

“oh.” that’s not what jaemin wanted to hear, nowhere close to it in fact. that wasn’t an apology or an explanation. 

jeno nods his head. “yeah.” 

doesn’t move for a moment, mind spinning with all these thoughts that he can’t comprehend fast enough. “you need your...textbook.” 

“yeah.” 

chokes on his words, feeling this anger start to bubble. “you’re joking, right? because it’s been four days of radio silence and you’re here for a textbook? that’s a joke.” 

“you broke up with me! you. ended. it. with. me.” jeno is visibly shaking with anger or sadness or some emotion jaemin can’t name. 

“you left,” jaemin shakes his head. “you left, jeno. i came back and you were gone.” 

“what did you expect me to do? wait for you? i can’t spend all my damn time waiting for you to decide i’m important, jaemin.” 

“all i’ve done for the past two years is wait for you, jeno! i’ve waited for you to get over your fear of dating. i’ve waited and hoped and spent so much time on you! i don’t know what more you want from me. i don’t get it, jeno.” 

jeno looks mildly offended. “i told you, jaemin. i told you why i was afraid to date you. i don’t know why you’re acting like you didn’t know.” 

“and i told you that i didn’t give a shit because i liked you for you. i always have. i don’t know if i like this you. the overcontrolling, clingy you.” 

“i’ve always been this person, jaemin,” jeno sounds fucking exasperated like he’s trying to get jaemin to understand, but it’s impossible. “i don’t...i just don’t know, anymore. i don’t know anything anymore.” he pauses, “maybe we’re just too different.” 

jaemin double-takes. “what?” 

“i’m boring,” jeno suddenly cries out. “i told you, jaemin. you’re getting bored of me. i told you that you would, and you have. i was just another conquest. another person you wanted so bad until you had me and it stopped being all about the chase.” 

“what are you talking about?” jaemin is practically screaming. “that doesn’t make any sense, jeno! i’m not bored of you! i don’t get why you’re saying all of this when you know it’s not true!” 

“all you do is party with your friends, jaemin. in those past two weeks, i barely saw you. and, when i did, you were fucking wasted. drunk you isn’t very good at hiding secrets.” 

jaemin is speechless. yeah, he’d been out partying with friends a lot, but there were a lot of birthdays, lots of things to celebrate. “i-i invited you? i told you i wanted you to come? i don’t get it.” 

“it’s not about that,” jeno sighs, tears rolling down his cheeks. “you told me. you said to me that it feels like we’ve been married for thirty years and that it’s getting old. you said you wanted an adventure. jaemin...i know you kissed another boy.” 

jeno begins to sob so hard his chest shakes and jaemin just stands there completely dumbfounded. 

__

↑

it would’ve been their one year today and all jaemin can do is cry. he hates that he’s like this, that he can’t drown himself in alcohol because apparently when he does he ruins his relationships. he doesn’t even remember it. kissing someone, that is.

he hates that when he tries to recall it, it all comes up blank. he hasn’t tried to call jeno, probably doesn’t deserve an answer if he does. 

whatever happened, whatever he did, he wants to make it right. but, he doesn’t know where to start. he doesn’t know how to fix what he broke. 

he promised jeno that he would never get bored of him, that he’d always be around, and he never intended to break that promise. but, he supposes it’s too late. 

two months pass and jaemin rarely sees jeno. he only catches glances of him passing by on campus. little peaks of his life on social media. but, it’s not enough. it’ll never be enough for him.

not when he had the real thing. not when he held jeno in his arms every night and got to hear i love you from him every morning. instagram pictures will never suffice. not when he had jeno and lost him. 

it didn’t take him long to realize that even though he spent so much time waiting for jeno, a year in fact, he would do it all over again. it would do it every single time, in every single universe, in every single life. he would do it. and, he would do it right. 

but, he can’t redo it. he can’t go back and change whatever happened. he just has to live with the guilt of cheating and not even remembering. of breaking lee jeno’s heart without meaning to. it’s a horrible feeling. a horrible situation and jaemin doesn’t know how to deal with it.

another month passes before jaemin even talks to jeno again. he doesn’t expect their first encounter to be with jeno drunk on the floor of jaemin’s dorm.

he has arrived at his dorm and his roommate looks at him sympathetically before walking out of the room with a pat on the shoulder. jaemin furrows his eyes and when he walks in, jeno is sitting haphazardly on the floor, wasted out of his mind.

jaemin’s eyes widen. he falls to the floor in front of jeno, not caring about the pain in his kneecaps. “jeno? what are you doing here.”

he takes jeno’s hand in his hands and looks at him clearly. his eyes are bloodshot, hair a fucking mess on the top of his head, white shirt stained with liquids.

jeno mumbles something that jaemin can’t make out, which should attest to how drunk jeno is, considering jaemin has spent more than enough time around absolutely wasted people.

“jesus christ,” jaemin sighs. jeno is blabbering and close to crying, trying to kiss jaemin and hug him. “okay, let’s get you cleaned up.”

jaemin picks jeno up with considerable ease and places him gently on his bed. he strips him of his jeans and shirt, rolling his eyes when jeno giggles and tries to pull jaemin on top of him. jaemin puts one of his own t-shirts on jeno and pajama shorts he left behind. 

he wipes his face with a makeup wipe and turns him on his side so that hopefully he doesn’t choke on his own vomit. 

jaemin is close to tears just because. it’s too much. it’s all too much. jeno, the way he looks, the way he still has that familiar scent despite the stink of alcohol, how he tries to cuddle. 

it hurts too much. he drops to the floor when jeno is asleep and he lets himself feel sorry for himself again. he’s been trying to get over this phase, but he always seems to find himself back in this position. 

his head hangs between his knees and he takes a deep breath to keep from crying. the whole thing is so fucked up. he can’t imagine himself kissing another person, drunk or not. it doesn’t make sense for him. it doesn’t make sense for him to have waited for jeno for so long just to destroy their relationship.

he sighs before undressing and making a shitty bed on the floor. it’s absolutely unsanitary, but he decides to just deal with it instead of dealing with the complications that will undoubtedly arise if he were to try and sleep in his own bed next to jeno.

seven hours go by and jaemin finds himself waking up on the floor, with a body on top of him, cuddled up on his back. 

he turns his neck and it’s fucking stiff. he groans. 

the person next to him scoots closer, face buried in jaemin’s neck. jaemin sighs. 

he tries to readjust to get a bit more comfortable, seeing that he doesn’t have classes until 3 and jeno is probably not going to wake up for a while. he’s never seen jeno drunk and considering how wasted he was, he doesn’t doubt that he’s going to have one hell of a hangover.

four more hours pass before jaemin wakes up again, jeno still lying next to him, scrolling through his phone. jaemin is thoroughly surprised that jeno hasn’t moved away from his yet.

“hey,” jeno says, looking up from his phone. “sorry, it’s warm.” 

jaemin shrugs his shoulders the best he can. it’s weird. the whole thing is weird. definitely not _unwanted_, but he’s not sure. it’s been too long since he’s been like this with jeno and he doesn’t know if he should savor it or stop it.

because it’ll only cause more hurt. see jeno, allowing himself to think about him, imagining all the scenarios and possibilities had it all turned out differently. wishing it had been different. it’s all so pointless and it really does more harm than good.

but, even in his hungover state, he’s the most beautiful person jaemin has ever seen. and, jaemin thinks he can get the faint hint of jeno’s usual scent behind the alcohol. it all reminds jaemin of how good it was, until it wasn’t. it feels like a dream. the entire thing. getting together and then suddenly breaking up.

how could it have taken them so long to get together, for everything to fall apart, just for it to fall apart in a matter of moments? 

“you’re deep in thought,” jeno says, eyes on jaemin. the younger blinks before looking over at jeno.

“oh.” he doesn’t know what else to say. sorry? maybe? is sorry sufficient enough? probably not. 

“you’re doing that thing,” jeno points out. jaemin furrows his eyebrows.

“what thing?”

“that thing where you get lost in your own head and forget about the person in front of you.”

“oh.”

the whole thing is horribly awkward and not how jaemin wanted their first time seeing each other to go at all. he hates that they don’t know how to act around one another anymore. it was so natural, but now it’s all forced smiles and confusing thoughts.

“i owe you an apology,” jeno blurts out and jaemin is taken back. “like, a big apology. like bigger than what i’m capable of doing with my own two hands. jaemin, you have no diea how fucking sorry i am.”

jaemin tries to speak, but nothing leaves his mouth. he’s speechless. just speechless.

“i-it was my fault. our break up. everything that happened before the break up, during. i’m so, so sorry. i was just being a bitch and a fucking pussy and i was convinced you didn’t love me and i thought that for some reason you would be better off without me and you-”

“wait,” jaemin speaks slowly. “wait. just...just wait.”

jeno stops talking, meekly looking at jaemin with wide, watery eyes. 

“why are you apologizing? i...i was the one who...cheated…?”

jeno shakes his head, already close to crying. “n-no, jaemin. i...someone told me you did and i was so fucked up i believed them. and then the person you supposedly kissed came to me the other day and told me that you didn’t kiss.”

jaemin just blinks. he. just. blinks.

“what.”

“you didn’t cheat, jaemin. you’re innocent. y-you didn’t do what i thought.” jeno is sobbing and the sound of his crying makes jaemin’s heart ache even more. it makes him hurt.

jaemin doesn’t know what to feel. relieved? angry? fucking pissed? all these thoughts and feelings are running through his mind. he can’t latch onto one emotion, onto one word to say at all.

“get out.”

no. that’s not what he wants to say. what is his mind doi-

“leave, jeno. y-you made me feel like a piece of shit person for the past three months b-because...because someone told you something? what the fuck. what the fuck! i don’t even want to look at you. i-i don’t want to see you, hear from you. i-”

“jaemin,” jeno whispers, eyes cast downward. “you...you don’t mean that.”

he doesn’t. why are these words leaving his mou-

“i do.”

jeno hesitates. he wants jaemin to give in, but the latter looks dead set on his decision. jeno licks his lips and sighs, face red from crying. he nods his head like he’s accepted the fact that jaemin doesn’t want him anymore. and rightfully so.

jaemin closes his eyes when he feels the tears stinging, a few drops slipping out. jeno stands up and quickly puts his shoes on. he opens the door, jaemin can hear it, and looks over his shoulder. he wants jaemin to stop him. he wants jaemin to grab him and hold him, save him from his own misery. 

but, he gave jaemin up three months ago. he broke up with jaemin. he did that. and, he can’t take it back. he can’t change what happened. he can’t change that mark came to him and told him something so wrong and he chose to believe him because it gave him an excuse. it gave him the reason to finally self-destruct, to let all his insecurities blow up and ruin it all. 

he thought he didn’t deserve jaemin when they were dating. and, he knows it now that they’re broken up.

he swallows hard and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him slowly.

jaemin lets the tears fall, lets the sobs rack his chest, the sadness hit him with it’s full power. 

he doesn’t know what this means. what the new discovery means. he doesn't know if he even wants to know. because, if he knows he has to deal with it. 

one hour passes before jaemin is pushing himself off his floor and running to mark’s dorm to punch the absolute shit out of him.

“what?” mark purses his lips when he opens the door. jaemin doesn’t hesitate before swinging at the right side of mark’s face and hitting his square in the eye. “oh my fucking god! jaemn!”

he lets himself relish in the feeling before he’s realizing what exactly he just did. “oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. mark! oh my god! i’m so sorry!”

he helps mark up and sits him on his bed. “jesus fucking christ, what the hell was that for?”

jaemin texts renjun to bring ice before he answers. “uhm...for causing jeno to break up with me.”

“what?” mark groans and holds his eye, falling back on his pillow.

“well,” jaemin murmurs sheepishly, “jeno told me that you told him i kissed someone and that’s kinda why we broke up.”

“oh you fucking colossal idiots. i-i said i saw someone who looked like you and he should ask you about it. this is between you guys, not me! you should be punching him!”

“yeah, i know. i’m sorry, mark. i was just upset.”

“it would make me feel a lot better if you left and found him and talked to him and fix your relationship because you are both fucking miserable to be around. also, when renjun gets here i wanna make out with him.”

jaemin purses his lips. “i-”

“please just go and get back together with him? like, if i look at you any longer i’m going to just punch you back.”

“b-”

“you know you want to be with him, you stupid dipshit! just go!”

jaemin is shuffled out of the room by renjun two minutes later. he checks the time. jeno is probably in his dorm studying before dinner. he gulps.

he takes off into a full on sprint towards his room. he’s lucky he used to run track, otherwise, he thinks his legs would’ve given out on him. his lungs, on the other hand, are about ready to give out by the time he reaches jeno’s dorm.

someone lets him in the building and he goes straight to jeno’s dorm, knocking on the door while panting.

the door opens and jeno is standing there, looking miserable as hell, like he’s been crying for hours. jaemin’s heart breaks again.

“jaemin? what are yo-”

jaemin walks inside and pins jeno against the wall with one stride as if it was easy for him. “i’m going to ksis you.” 

he does. he places his lips on jeno’s, licking at his bottom lip and tasting salt from his tears. he bites gently on jeno’s bottom lip, hips finding their way to jeno’s hips and pulling his body closer. impossibly closer. his stomach jumps.

jeno kisses back with enthusiasm, letting jaemin’s tongue in his mouth, letting jaemin do whtever he wants with him. his hands go to jaemin’s hair out of habit, pulling on it when jaemin pulls away to kiss jeno’s jaw and then his neck, sucking a hickey on the spot that makes jeno whine out.

“jaemin,” jeno breathes out, chest rising and falling rapidly. “don’t...don’t kiss me if you don’t mean it.” his lips are red and swollen, cheeks bright pink from being kissed. he looks fucking beautiful and jaemin wants nothing more than to kiss him again and again, forever.

“do you love me?” jaemin asks, not looking much better than jeno himself. “really, do you love me, jeno?”

“i love you,” jeno swallows hard. “i love you so, so, so much.” 

a tear slides down jeno’s cheek and jaemin kisses it away. “okay. i’ll listen. i’m here, jeno.”

and, then he’s kissing jeno again.

it’s not perfect, far from ideal, but it’s them. it’s jeno and jaemin. jaemin and jeno. it doesn’t make sense, but it does.

the way jeno puts it, lays it out for jaemin, it makes sense. he believed mark because he needed a reason to blow up, to ruin their relationship because he felt like he didn’t deserve it. and, it’s fucked up and it sucks and it’s god fucking horrible, but jaemin gets it. he understands.

so it’s not perfect, but it’s right. it feels right, it is right. it’s right for them. it doesn’t have to be perfect for it to feel like they belong together, for it to feel like they’re meant to be with one another despite the bumps in the road and the twists and turns.

he waited for jeno for so long, loved him for so long. and, he when he said he would redo everything to get one more chance, he meant it. 

they’re lying in bed, pressed close to each other and it feels like home. it feels like warmth and safety after months of freezing in loneliness. jaemin is on his back and jeno has his head on his chest, about a dozen blankets thrown over their limbs haphazardly because jeno refuses to buy a comforter. jaemin has told him to just invest in one dozens and dozens of times, but jeno wouldn’t be jeno if he didn’t deny jaemin every time.

“is forever still on the table?” jeno asks quietly, lips moving against jaemin’s bare chest.

jaemin smiles softly, eyes shut as he begins to doze off. “yeah. forever sounds pretty nice.”

**Author's Note:**

> idk let me know your thoughts!!!! like i Know it's a cliche ending but i didn't really know what else to write and this ending felt right???? idk slkjflkjfl
> 
> i hope u enjoyed at least a little slfllskjfslkd please leave a comment/kudos!!!!
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/flirtmarkno)
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/marknohyuck)


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